thought a lot while having lunch with bell at ngee ann alumni tdy.
i guess bell must be feeling weird that i'm being extreme quiet and lost within myself. haas.
sigh, my future will not be too far away from now.
i'm already stepping into my future.
the question in my mind that will never get a exact answer.
" what will my future be like..? "
being in a democratic nation having a high standard of living, everybody needs a cert and be good in at least one profession. to me, having an "O" level cert means nothing. you can never find a high salary job unless u're born with a silver spoon and got a lot of financial help from your family or you got your family business to run and take over.
in addition, having a dip in nursing doesnt mean anything without any experience.
sigh, i'm so confused and my confidence falls to the minimum. i failed my cmbio and getting a gpa of 2.2. who wanna hire a nurse like me? if you were to look at the number of intake in nyp n np nursing, there's definately no lack of nurses in the hospital. UNLESS, there's a sudden outbreak of diseases like SARS.
because i'm not bonded with any hospital, getting a job in hospital made it tougher for me.
if i choose to be a paramedic working in NS camp, i need to have at least 2 years experience in hospital settings.
a private nurse too, experience in hospital is required.
chances of me studying in university is almost zero. i failed one of my module ++++ there's so many other nurses snatching for the limited spaces there. i'm definitely out of the list.
if i were to be a cabin crew, i find too many flaws within myself. i doubt i can have that confidence to even go for an interview. i'm such a loser. so what if i got the height and staying slim now. one day all these will go away and i'll be left with nothing but poor health due to lack of exercising.
my next questions is... "why cant i have a change of mindset and start working things out?"
where can i start? there's always someone better than me in everything i'm good at.
talents are important too, i regretted for not pursuing further and not having the determinations in learning my violin when i was younger.
what other talents do i have? NOTHING, absolutely nothing. i couldnt see anything that's good in me. seriously, i think im hollow inside.
i cannot expect my partner to suppose me for the rest of my life, hoping to be a taitai at home right. or perhaps, i wouldn't have that kinda life. dont even dream about it.
i have to be independent. i bet a guy with good career and character wouldn't want to have a gf or wife who'll be asking for money from him all the time, isnt it.
i'm a wife/ gf. not a beggar.
"how to be independent..?" i doubt i can handle part time jobs with my hectic workload from school. really impressed by catherine and liting. wondered how they manage their time.
am i really spending too much time idling around at home, being a slacker? i'm relying too much on my family. i only know how to get allowance from them. i felt shy sometimes asking for weekly allowance from my mother. i'm so old already yet still hoping to get free $.
note: i will never ask for money from my parents or anyone to get my expensive things like bags, accessories or clothes. i bought them all with my part time job pay. all these are extra expenses, nobody owe me these. buying these with my own money give me a sense of satisfaction too.
i mean yes, sometimes i bought some expensive stuffs i wont have enough extra money to go out with friends. but i wouldn't expect my friend to say that.. "aiyo.. always hear you saying that you got no money yet you still wanna go for brands." maybe it seem like i'm very " bu zhi liang li" but it really hurts a lot to me. it's like my parents only give me weekly allowance for school only. going out and buying branded goods are all from my own savings. sorry that i've chosen to buy my expensive goods than to go out with you guys. sorry that i complained that i have nothing to do at home because i'm totally broke after buying my expensive stuffs. sorry that i am a brand conscious freak. but i have yet thinking of buying HIGH-END BRANDS like gucci or louis vuitton. so i'm still considered average.
and yes, i do club and wanting to get to know more friends. sorry that i appeared to be going after looks or going for appearance. but some of us just like to look at people right? no HARM right? just that i love to commend that she/he looks good. it doesnt do any HARM right? i do command about girls looking pretty too not only guys. yes, sometimes curiosity makes me wanna get to know them but most of the time i didnt really mean that i wanna know them. p.s: i doubt i want a bf who looks so good. haas! i dont need that kinda attention from people.
well, i doubt i'll be working at NEC anymore. there's too many friends competing for commissions. too $-driven. money spoils friendship. its not nice to snatch your friends' customer but everyone is doing that. i'm not that hard-hearted.
i supposed to be revising and doing my projects instead of typing all these. but i just couldnt put myself at ease with these questions hovering in my head.
i really thought of migrating to less developed countries and spend the rest of my life there. leading a slow paced life with my partner, if i happen to find one in future.

who am i? i'm still trying hard to figure out. nobody can give me an answer.
i'm too lost within myself. these questions been haunting me.


conclusion:
studies-> career:
i will get experience in hospital after i grad for 2 years and get my butt off here.
financial:
i'll learn to manage money matters.
family:
just continue being an escapist.
friends:
i have lotsa time for you people. but i doubt you all can squeeze time for me.
anyway, what matters most is quality time spent together.
affairs of my heart:
i dont wanna hurt anybody again.
I hate myself for being such a coward in love,i didnt have e guts to try out a new relationship that i wasnt sure. i want a relationship that last forever. i need someone too. but something's holding me back. i'm unsure of what is it too. most prolly i've not met the right one.
anyways, love aint my priority now.

Labels: Life struggling.